things he hates in himself
by saunatonttu
Summary: More than any other part of himself, Irie Shouichi hates his traitorous heart. Rating T, just to be cautious. Very vague hints of 10051.


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**things he hates in himself; hair**

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Since he has started working for Byakuran, he has slowly grown to feel nothing but repulsion towards his own hair.

It's the colour.

Red.

Not as dark as blood, but in the dark it was close enough.

In Shouichi's personal room/research lab, it was always dark. To his eyes, at least.

He could see his red tresses from the corners of his eyes, and it makes him want to scream - because all that comes to his mind is _blood, someone else's blood, crimson red on his hair and—_

Even when his repulsion towards blood slowly dissipates, much to his horror, he still continues to hate his hair.

It's too bad Byakuran-san always sends him a new, polished mirror whenever he _accidentally _breaks one - how the man knows when that happens, Shouichi has no idea.

The redness of his hair never ceases to haunt him.

(_"Ne, Shou-chan won't dye his hair, right? I really l~o~v~e its colour!"_)

An unnecessary memory from a different time keeps him from dyeing it.

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**things he hates in himself; hands**

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His hands are what started all of this; his hands are what will end this.

These pale, weak and frail hands are meant to build machines and type on computer-

-and yet they're soaked in _blood_.

He hates them, those traitorous hands are what pulled the trigger - and the monster that is Byakuran(-san, his mind adds unhelpfully) has been born because of it.

These hands are the cause of the agony from which the parallel worlds -_ and soon this one will fall too if he doesn't stop it_ - are suffering.

Whenever he inspects his hands, Irie Shouichi can only see the blood of the innocent people on them - and then his hands even _dare_ to shake like leaves at the thought, as though they are in pain and sad and -

His hands are the sole reason for this chaos.

And he hates them for it.

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**things he hates in himself; ears **

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He hates these ears that listen to Byakuran-san's sweet and maddening lies and nickname he had given to the redhead upon their first meeting.

These ears hear those words - _"Shou-chan isn't overworking himself again, is he?"_ - and take in the sweet poison which Shouichi is almost too willing to swallow -

- before his mind remembers the world and _his_ duty.

These ears hear what they want to hear, but he knows better than to believe in what Byakuran-san says anymore.

A memory -_"I think of Shou-chan as my best friend~"_ -flickers in his mind as the video call with Byakuran-san is over and done with.

His ears only hear the lies, never the truth.

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**things he hates in himself; legs**

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Like any other part of his body, Shouichi feels irrational dislike towards his legs.

Well, there's a very _rational_ reason for that.

His legs, his feet, did not take him away from that alternative world's Byakuran quickly enough.

Not before Byakuran's ability had been awoken.

His legs hadn't fled the scene quickly enough; and because of that, Shouichi was disgusted by them, by _himself_.

All of this just because of his insane curiosity and his legs' inability to function properly in that parallel world.

All of this because of _his _mistake.

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******things he hates in himself; eyes**

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He hates his eyes, he really does.

It's not because of their colour, oh no; he likes green, especially the shade of green his eyes hold more or less coincidentally.

_-although he didn't believe in coincidences anymore._

He dislikes them because he is perfectly aware of how much _emotion_ they show, how much of his desperation, irritation, confusion, fear and determination show on his eyes, on his face.

It really is no surprise that Byakuran-san has (most likely) figured him out, is it?

He hates his eyes and he holds this irrational want to gouge them out of their sockets just so the white-haired man wouldn't be able to read him like an open book anymore.

And then Shouichi would laugh a pained, crazed laugh because of the pain and the exhilarating feeling of being free from Byakuran's intense gaze and, well, face.

Then again, he has to see things through til the end, so he refrains from doing that even if his fingers itch to do just that.

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**************things he hates in himself; stomach**

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He hates his stomach, but it's not because of the nausea he so often gets.

More often than not, it's because of the _lack_ of mentioned nauseating feeling that he dislikes the organ so much.

It's a stress reaction, that nasty twist in his stomach, and he is perfectly aware of it. When nervousness or fear becomes overwhelming, his stomach responds by churning in a painful way and eventually causing Shouichi to fall down onto his knees while holding his abdomen as though his life depends on it.

Recently there has been much bloodshed, and Byakuran-san has told him about many gruesome things - although not the most detailed versions. It's Byakuran's own form of pity, he supposes, but then again the stories always do end up coming to him with all the gory details included.

The sad thing is - he doesn't get nauseous over those stories anymore. He doesn't even wince at them.

He hates his stomach for it, for growing accustomed to people dying (although those people are not very innocent, being in a mafia and all, but still) and the bloodshedding Byakuran is carefully orchestrating all the way from Italy.

He silently hates himself for all the crimson colour that is being spread outside his laboratory.

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******************************things he hates in himself; brain**

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The reason he is so _irreplaceable_ to Byakuran has nothing to do with their friendship - of this Shouichi is sure.

It's because of the brilliant organ that lies inside Shouichi's head, and the way he uses every little piece of knowledge he has stored up in there that he is such a valuable thing to Byakuran.

And even _that_, as Shouichi will notice, isn't so valuable in the end.

He hates his brain, hates how he uses it so well for Byakuran even though he's actually trying to _stop_ his former friend.

He hates how he can't _stop_ coming up with new ways to improve every piece of machinery or programming Byakuran already has at his use.

While he is musing over this, his fingers are practically flying on the keyboard, creating something that will, no doubt, help the self-proclaimed deity in his plans.

He hates it; but he keeps doing it anyway.

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******************************things he hates in himself; heart**

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He hates his traitorous heart more than any other part of his body; more than his brain, more than his bloodsoaked hands, more than his weak stomach, more than his clouded green eyes.

He hates the heart that forces the blood flow in his veins, makes him live and _keeps _him alive.

And he hates the feelings he holds in his heart (not the organ but rather the core of his being, the place where he kept the most important things and memories) for the self-proclaimed _God_.

His former best friend.

His heart still carries those precious memories, those traitorous feelings, from university, from their first meeting until their graduation days.

He _loathes_ the way his heart clenches when he watches Byakuran die; wasn't this what he had aimed for? Wasn't it?

Why does his heart ache so badly then?

He has lost his best friend a long time ago, so clearly this shouldn't hurt as badly as it does.

The foolish flicker of hope for Byakuran's salvation his heart has held onto dies with the purple-eyed man he once called his _best friend_.

Truly, there is nothing he hates more than his foolish, stupid heart which had contained every single one of his secret hopes and memories from time before.

And even despite this pain, his heart still keeps beating, keeps pushing that blood into his veins.

It keeps him alive when he doesn't want to be.

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End file.
